


write in every empty space (the words i love you in replace)

by bellamyblakru



Series: Merthur Week 2020 Fics - Canon Era Oneshots [5]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, BC I DONT LIKE SAD ENDINGS, Canon Era, Emotionally Constipated Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Emotionally Constipated Merlin, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, I WILL ALWAYS END HOPEFULLY, M/M, Merlin's Magic Revealed (Merlin), POV Arthur, POV Merlin (Merlin), Panic Attacks, THEY ARE GONNA SIT AND FUCKING TALK IT THROUGH, They talk, also, but happy/hopeful ending!!, it goes um badly, just to lyk just incase you cant read that!, like angst and sadness and blah, smart arthur, thank you for coming to my Ted Talk, they are separated by ~~~, to put it lightly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:22:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28279059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellamyblakru/pseuds/bellamyblakru
Summary: Day 5: “Any other lies left to tell me?” + Angst
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Merthur Week 2020 Fics - Canon Era Oneshots [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2034928
Comments: 10
Kudos: 112
Collections: Merthur Week 2020





	write in every empty space (the words i love you in replace)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lydiamxrtin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lydiamxrtin/gifts).



> yes this is another fic written for aj. she is my admin in crime, the queen of angst, and one of the best human beings i have had the pleasure of knowing. she helped me a fuck ton with this fic🥺 she is amazing and talented and i adore her sm!! her tumblr is @teaamfreewill if anyone wanted to follow this lovely human. i hope you like this fic, my friend!! our brand™️ is strong in this one.
> 
> ALSO!! TW: heavy description of panic attack!! 
> 
> i have severe social anxiety with panic disorder so i used my own personal experience writing merlin’s experience going through one, though i have never passed out like i wrote merlin, but i completely understand if you cannot read it. it can be very difficult to read through someone else going through it, so please read with this in mind. 
> 
> i do not want to hurt anyone!! please read if you are okay with someone going through one. they suck. sorry, ill shut up now LOL

Merlin was going to tell Arthur today. About everything. He said that yesterday though—and the day before that. 

Every day this week Merlin woke up in a cold sweat, trembling, thinking today was the day. By the time he made it outside Arthur’s door, right before dawn broke, he would falter. He watched, detached, as his fist would freeze right before it hit the rough wood. He would stand there, thinking about every possibility. 

Arthur will hate him. But what would be better: death or hate? _Death,_ Merlin’s mind repeated, _Arthur will despise you._ That was worse.

His hand would fall to his side, he would back away, and go fetch breakfast throwing on an over-enthusiastic smile. 

_Today would be different,_ he tried to convince himself as he rolled out of his sweat trenched bed shivering. After changing his clothes and rinsing his face with cold water, he walked quietly around Gaius and absentmindedly followed the path to Arthur’s room. 

The knights on guard were shifting so this was the only time he could do this—he _will_ do this. Again, he was at the door without particularly remembering his way up here. 

He watched the door like he would an enemy—however, that train of thought was quickly thrown out of his mind. Arthur was _not_ the enemy. 

Merlin watched as his hand fell to his side again, the word coward screaming in his mind, as he slowly turned around. Not today, but he will try again tomorrow.

Merlin froze when he heard Arthur’s door creek open. 

“Merlin?” Arthur rubbed his eyes as Merlin faced him, leaning heavily on the doorframe, “Is something the matter? I was going to ask one of the guards for a cup of water. Did you want something?”

Merlin couldn’t come up with an excuse, and with the word coward still reverberating in his head, he decided that enough was enough. He was the most powerful warlock to walk the earth—he can tell his best friend about him, at the very least.

“Oh, Arthur. Actually...can I talk to you about something?”

Arthur blinked sluggishly and shrugged, “Whatever, just ask someone to get me water and come in.”

Merlin nodded and told the closest maid to bring the King his breakfast. On his walk back to Arthur, Merlin forgot every line he rehearsed this week. This moment defined everything...and Merlin couldn’t remember a damn thing.

He walked slowly into his king’s chambers, blinking in surprise to see Arthur’s breakfast and water already there. 

“Ah! There you are Merlin. Took you long enough. Take a seat, I saved some blueberries for you.”

Merlin felt his heart strain, _it would be so easy to save it for another day._ But he refused to wait anymore—he needed to say it. 

Merlin tried to smile, hoping it came across as pleased, when he sat in the opposing chair. 

“Merlin? What’s up? Why do you look like you were run over by a cart?”

Merlin swallowed hard, wanting nothing more than the floor to swallow him whole, and rushed it out in one breath, “I have magic.”

_No point in small talk when you’re going to die soon anyways._

Arthur put his fork down, tilting his head in confusion, “What was that?”

Merlin couldn’t look at him and repeated it slower, “I have magic.”

It was said quietly, but this time, it did not go unheard. 

Arthur leaned back in his chair, the air of compatibility vanishing, “What?”

Merlin stared at his broken buckles on his boot, “I am magic. I was born with it. But, it’s for you, Arthur. Only you—always you.”

Merlin let some power show, making a small blue orb appear in his hand, and then letting it sizzle out into nothing—still without looking up. 

Merlin, however, forced his head up at Arthur's silence. Arthur was staring at him, a blank expression on his face. Merlin could tell that Arthur was rethinking about every conversation they ever had—if any of it was real. 

“Arthur-“ Arthur put his hand up, silencing him, and stood up. He walked to his door, placed Excalibur on his hip, and then he locked his door shut. He leaned his back against the wood—doing nothing but staring at him.

Merlin felt himself shaking, head to toe, then. He couldn’t breathe right, and he was hyper-aware of this fact. There _wasn’t_ _enough_ air in the room. The light streaming into the room casted Arthur in shadows suddenly, and _Arthur should never be in the shadows_. He was Merlin’s light, his sun, his everything—the darkness had to stop encasing his king. He stood up abruptly taking one stumbling step towards Arthur to save him from the dark. 

Arthur growled, “Do not come any closer to me, _sorcerer_.”

Merlin missed a step, falling to his knees, panting now, “Arthur, wait—“

Arthur stalked forwards, “No, Merlin. You don’t get to talk. All this time? All this time you have been playing me! Worming your way into my-into the heart of Camelot! All for what? To use me? To control me? Was any of it true?” 

Arthur took a deep breath, kneeling down besides Merlin, “What do you want me to do? Banish you? Kill you?” He let out a cold, empty laugh, “Any other lies left to tell me?” 

Merlin couldn’t breathe. He felt his eyes watering, his chest felt tight. He just needed more air—he gulped it down greedily, but nothing helped. 

_Arthur hates me. No dark. Arthur hates me. I need to run. No. I can’t run. Run. Hate. Hate. Hate. Dark._

The last thing Merlin remembered was Arthur’s wide, tearful eyes before he accepted the blackness swarming in his eyes with ease. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

Arthur faltered, staring at Merlin unconscious form on his floor. A moment later, Merlin gasped awake, shaking like a small earthquake. Arthur growled at his instincts to help the traitor, stamping them down deep. 

This wasn’t his Merlin. Not anymore. This was a tactic to get Arthur’s guard down and he wouldn’t be fooled. _Not anymore._

Arthur moved to sit at the base of his bed, one hand on his sword, as he watched the betrayer gather his bearings. With his back against his bed frame, he studied the sorcerer. He was blinking rapidly, one hand on his heart, talking quietly to himself. The sorcerer turned onto his back, staring at Arthur’s ceiling, one hand still resting on his heart, breathing deeply. He seemed to forget Arthur was here when he closed his eyes.

Arthur stared at his still body, vaguely confused and upset and livid. These emotions aren’t meant for his Merlin. How did everything go so wrong so quickly?

Arthur watched as the early morning light fell on Merlin’s body, illuminating his traitorous manservant in a warm, golden glow. Something evil shouldn’t be allowed in the light—but Arthur couldn’t bring himself to do anything about it.

~~~~~~~~

Merlin grounded himself like his mother showed him all those years ago when he first experienced that fear—going to the place in his mind where he can breathe easily. After a couple minutes in an eerie silence, Merlin felt stable enough to open his eyes to the ceiling. 

Heavily exhaustion lay in his heart and mind as he forced his way up to sit, looking for Arthur. 

He was easy to spot sitting rigidly with his back against his bed, staring at Merlin like he was assessing a battlefield. Merlin flinched when they made eye contact, his lies feeling heavier in his soul more than ever before.

“Why.”

Merlin closed his eyes at the hurt lacing Arthur’s voice, feeling his own heart shatter knowing he caused this pain, “Why what?”

“Why are you not killing me with your magic to protect yourself?”

“Why haven't you run me through yet with your sword?”

Arthur’s head snapped back violently, his eyes glinting in anger, “Would you like me to?”

Merlin sighed, “It would be better than the pyre. It would be better than you hating me.”

Silence.

Arthur cleared his throat, “If I let you explain, how can I ever believe any word you tell me? Everything is shrouded in lies now! How was any of it real?!”

Merlin flinched again. 

How could he express that everything he is was, was for this man in front of him? How can you tell someone that they are your sole reason to wake up in the morning, that they are the only person lighting your all-consuming darkness? 

“What about memories, then?”

Arthur blinked, the only amount of surprise he will let show, “What about them?”

Merlin took a deep breath, not really understanding where his own words were coming from as they echoed emptily in his mind, “If my words mean nothing to you now, then watch my life for yourself. Memories are not always the most accurate representations of what happened in the past, but it will be as I saw them—making me, rather _us_ , relive them. And then, well, you can decide what to do with me after. But please...let me show you first?”

Merlin watched as Arthur truly thought through the proposition, weighing if there were tricks hidden beneath Merlin’s words. Using magic daily for years for Arthur was one thing, but using it so nonchalantly? It even made Merlin uncomfortable. Merlin saw when Arthur steeled himself, watching as his king’s jaw tightened almost imperceptibly, but Merlin knew what every small movement meant. He knew every part of his king—better than anyone. If words won't prove Merlin’s undying devotion to him, then actions will. Arthur was always a man of a few words. 

“You won’t hurt me.”

Not a question, but Merlin did not hesitate to answer: “Never.”

Arthur vaguely nodded, probably questioning every single decision that has lead him to be sitting on his chamber floor across something he was taught to hate, and scooted closer to Merlin. Merlin trembled slightly still, it increasing as Arthur moved closer. Arthur noticed, but opted for silence as Merlin prepared his mind for invasion. 

No more lying—not anymore. 

So, without knowing any spell, Merlin lifted Arthur’s hand to his own temples and simply let go of every wall he ever built.

_Hunith was crying softly into Merlin’s hair, “Oh, my beautiful boy. I am so sorry.”_

_Child Merlin sniffled into her shirt, “It’s not your fault, mum.”_

_Hunith grabbed Merlin tighter into her arms, like she wanted to block out all the pain from the world from ever touching her only child, “Everything will be better one day, Merlin. I know it. You were brought into this world to do great things, you’ll see. You are not a monster, you are not born evil. You have such a big heart, Merlin, and one day, that will be what defines you. Those children, the ones who hurt you today, for being different does not define you. Being different is not bad, Merlin. Your destiny is great, my wonderful boy. I know it.”_

_Young Merlin snuggled closer to his mother, soaking in her love and unfaltering acceptance, and drifted off to a fitful sleep._

_The scene dissolved into a few years later with Merlin walking into Camelot. From his angle, the world is new, bright, and full of opportunities. His heart alight with hope for the first time in a long time. So many people, Merlin smiling at them all, just surrounding a certain place in the square. Curiosity peaked, Merlin made his way to the front. What he saw made him stop dead._

_A young man awaiting a beheading, Uther’s speech feeling like a punch in the gut, the scream of a devastated mother mourning the loss of her son who has done no wrong._

_Merlin felt her agony rip through him, knocking any breath he had left out. Her son was killed for having magic. Magic. His mother warned him, of course, but seeing it so profoundly? Merlin’s legs felt unstable the rest of the day._

_The scene shifted once more to Merlin using his magic instinctually to save Gaius from falling, the feeling of overwhelming relief of his new mentor’s safety quickly being replaced by a palpable fear of being found out. Absolutely no magic allowed—it was a simple enough statement._

_Shifting to the banquet the next day, to the lady’s voice, to everyone falling under her spell. Time slowed down, Merlin’s thoughts came to a violent halt. This was the woman who lost her entire world to this man...to this coward who calls himself king. But an eye for an eye was not the way to live. Revenge on the coward’s son, who has done nothing to warrant this crime except simply existing, was not right. Magic should not be used in such an...evil way. If they use magic as man uses weapons, then they are no better than them._

_Without thinking too much about it, he let his instincts take over—saving the one-day king. Arthur, the Royal Prat, was saved by magic._

_Scene shifted quicker then, showing and exploring Merlin's thoughts, emotions, and actions at every adventure. It became clear soon that this was not just destiny at play, not when every thought of saving Arthur became an important matter of the heart instead._

They sat there, together on the floor, for hours. People came and went, knocking on the door, but no one disturbed the King and his lionheart. When the sun was long gone, and the moon was almost at its apex, they gasped apart. 

Merlin trembled violently, tears still rolling down his face as every emotion he has felt in these past years felt new and recharged, gasping for air. Arthur, tears streaming down his face at feeling all of Merlin’s emotions first hand, stilled, staring at his servant. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

Arthur’s mind was slow on the uptake, still processing his own life in such a different perspective. 

Merlin’s parallel story was darker than his, full of hurt, and pain, and fear. This overwhelming _fear._ Fear of being found out, of death, of his friends dying, of him not being good enough, of Arthur hating him, of Arthur killing him, of Arthur dying. So much fear, and yet? Merlin felt so much love in his heart. Everything he did, he did it because he thought it was the right thing. Merlin has made choices no man should ever make, choices left to the rulers prepared for such situations. But his Merlin had no preparation, he had no guide to go by. 

At the end of the day, Merlin went by the only thing he truly knew: that no matter the choices given, his only real option every time was whatever one helped Arthur’s wellbeing. Arthur felt how Merlin believed that Arthur’s flame was the only one worth kindling—that everything else was secondary. 

Merlin’s own life became _secondary._

“You are an idiot.”

Merlin blinked, confusion replacing his pained face briefly, “What?”

Arthur shook his head trying to figure out exactly how to say: _I am sorry that you have lived in debilitating fear your entire life simply for being born at the wrong time._ Were there even words for that?

“Merlin, can you go into my mind and feel what I am trying to say? Please?”

Arthur heard the pleading tone in his own voice, wanting, in every single fiber of his being, to make Merlin understand exactly who he is to him. This man in front of him was more than a savior to Camelot. Merlin had no self-preservation, was an idiot half the time, and lacked more manners than the average human—but Merlin was also incredibly selfless, loyal to a fault, brave and true, courageous, loving, kind...and simply incredible.

Merlin acquiesced, still shaking from the ordeal. He knew Merlin could feel how he felt, how wrong he had been, how the word sorry does not begin to cover how alone Merlin was, how much he loves this idiot of a man inside his mind. 

Merlin choked out another sob, letting go of Arthur. Arthur watched as Merlin’s hand dropped into his lap, limp, and as Merlin’s body began to shut itself down for any semblance of rest. Arthur quickly stood up then, scooping Merlin into his arms, watching as his warlock’s head lolled onto his chest. 

Arthur placed Merlin on his bed, taking off his and Merlin’s boots, putting the soft duvet over the already unconscious warlock. Arthur walked over to his side, plopped down, and passed out the minute he closed his eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~

Merlin blinked groggily. His body felt sore—even thinking about moving made him want to cry out in pain.

When his eyes finally adjusted to the darkness, he remembered what happened last night. Blinking fast, Merlin turned his head to see an already awake Arthur staring at him. 

Arthur gave him a soft smile, the one Merlin knew was reserved for him and him alone, and asked, “How are you feeling?”

“Like I was run over by a stampede of horses.”

Arthur gave a weak laugh, “So, good, then?”

Merlin tried to smile, though he knew it came across as a grimace when Arthur’s levity vanished. 

Arthur flopped back down besides Merlin, their hands close—Merlin could feel Arthur’s body heat wash over him as he resisted the urge to grab his King’s hand to make sure he was alright, to convince himself that Arthur was still here and didn’t hate him.

“The magic ban will be the first to go,” Arthur whispered into the night, the words surrounding Merlin’s heart and soul like a warm embrace, alighting that hope he tried to keep buried deep inside himself for years, “Will you continue helping me build Albion, Merlin? Even after everything?”

Merlin gave in then, forcing his leaden hand to grab onto Arthur’s, staring at the ceiling as well as he softly said, “Arthur, you must know by now that no matter what, I’ll be with you. To whatever end.”

Arthur squeezed Merlin’s hand, bringing it up to his chest on his heart. Merlin let his eyes close as the feeling of the steady rhythm of Arthur’s heart overtook him. He knew that the days to come will be far from easy, but he realized that didn’t matter much. As long as Arthur’s heart kept beating this steady pulse, then nothing else truly mattered.

As Merlin was drifting off into a deeper sleep, he felt Arthur’s other hand rest upon their intertwining hands on his chest as his King whispered back, almost like a prayer: “To whatever end.”

**Author's Note:**

> whoops sorry this was so sad🥺merry christmas LOL (if you celebrate)
> 
> angst christmas is what i live for tbh but i hope you enjoyed!! if you wanna, come say hello and/or yell at me about these two idiots in love on tumblr (@bellamyblakru)!
> 
> i hope you all have a wonderful day today💞and i wanted to thank everyone who has been participating in merthurweek2020. this has been an incredible experience so far and im so happy that @teaamfreewill and i decided to make this in an impulse decision at 1am on tumblr LOL.
> 
> you guys fucking rock. thank you🥺
> 
> (title: unsaid emily by jatp)


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